MY TREE: 1976.

I worked in Johannesburg, moved into a flat with my schoolday boyfriend and relied on him heavily to be my help.  By this time I knew there was no answer in religion for me.  When it became clear that Petrus was not going to help me either, I went through psychotherapy again.  My psychiatrist did what Petrus had done; he left me to solve my own problems but I did not appreciate this fact. I did not feel good enough about myself to help myself.

31 August 1976

Dear Tom,

I would like to tell you about my childhood, about my country, about the places I travelled to, about the books I like, about the things I do when I am on my own. I want to go into details, describe it intensely so that you can know me.  I want to do my best not to talk about any of my sorrows, but unfortunately they are part of me too.

What keeps me from doing these things, is the fact that I have no respect for myself and that I do not think myself able to talk interestingly about those things. That is, not at the moment. I can change overnight.

I will not think of the love of a man and a woman anymore.  not the kind of love I felt for you.  What I know now is comradeship, deep friendship, loving that sees little passion but that protects.  I am loved by a man.  Under the circumstances, it would be foolish not to accept him or any other form of love. Though you and I are not bound in any way, I feel I should ask you not to condemn me, perhaps because I said that I loved you in the past.

Perhaps I can make it very simple by saying that I am terribly bored with my life at this stage.  As soon as I start my studies next year, it might liven up a bit.

When  I get lonely, I give my cat all my attention.  I see that she is like a person; she has her pride, her jealousy and her conscience. Or I walk the streets and observe the houses and the trees.  In Amsterdam, I used to do window shopping in their lovely, cosy, narrow streets.  I wish I did not land in this walk of life.  I wish I had been with animals all my life.  I wish I could work with them now, but I have chosen another walk and I want to follow it, because, in the long run, I will profit more from it.  Languages will not be more satisfying, but they might provide a more stable future…

And you, Tom, I suppose you think only of the good things you can get out of life and that you find your life completely satisfying. If it is so, I am glad for your sake.  You are not a worry-person as I call it, and lately I have tried not to be one either, because a  person who worries too much stays small – in his job, in his personality.

1977

THE GLASS MENAGERIE

In some way, somehow, this has happened to me too, Laura; Tom Wallis came along and what a wonderful world I suddenly breathed in. Because of some weakness or strength in me, I did not go to Tom in his country. I feel so sad.  I am happy with my life; I have food to eat, I have the place and the ability to study; my mother and father apparently have accepted me. All the other people except Petrus are nothing to me. There may be Mrs Wentholt, for instance, amongst them, but it stays a but.  I cannot ever be as certain of anybody as of Petrus (at the moment, I should add).  I have nobody and nobody has me. If I could build strength in my own body and mind, and love myself and depend only upon myself, I might still be lonely but never helpless.  I will have strength when I walk in the streets, in the city, amongst people and most of all, at home.

MY TREE: 1978

My problem with hurting my face seemed ten times worse than years ago, especially since I felt the pressure of having to change after so many years and was counting them. Eight, nine, ten years and so on.  A youth wasted.  I broke down and went to a psychiatric hospital called Tara, near Johannesburg, for 7 months.  Near the middle of my hospitalisation Petrus and I married.  I thought it was the answer again.  But then nobody eventually lifted a finger to help me, and I was going through nightmares.  The worst was the hell of going cold turkey after years of heavy tranquillisers.

This was the point where I realised that all responsibility to go forward lay by me.  It was a hard thing to accept and bitter and lonely.  I learned to appreciate the fact that I was an atheist and learned not to apologise for myself or to myself about that any more.  I had to come to terms, as well, about being virtually alone (or so it seemed) in my intense dislike of the South African government and could start dreaming about leaving South Africa one day.  I had struggles but I am a happy person because I could discover my own sense of wholeness. No external factor or symbol could solve my problems.  I had to do it all by myself and I desperately needed to believe in myself, because I had never done that.

4 January 1979

Dear Tom,

I have not written much lately to people because I went through a deep depression and I was in a psychiatric hospital for 7 months, that is from April till the end of November. 

I had the breakdown in March and I then decided to leave university for two years, to continue in 1980 when I had more money.  That will also give me the opportunity to pay off my Volkswagen Passat that I received in August.

I landed in hospital because, being an atheist and feeling bitter about South African politics; I just did not fit into the South African society.  I was getting increasingly angry and hurting my face and it was challenging to keep my mouth shut and not become an outcast.  I have a very close friend who shares my feelings without losing his love for God or his country- but one man is not enough.  I wanted hundreds of friends with whom I could talk freely and openly, but all that time I had to keep quiet.

I wrote, of course, in silence, and found relief that way.  In those months, I had psychoanalysts to talk to as well. The reason why I stayed in the hospital so long, is that I initially relied on other people. So I learned that I could help myself and stop depending on others. Then I learned to accept myself and to forget about my fear of being exposed and rejected, of being cornered and scorned because of my views on life.  I am today such a happy person that nothing matters any more. I have grown.  I feel safe and secure, safe and warm and loved.

I am calm about the future.  Trouble is coming fast in South Africa and at the first sign I will emigrate to somewhere in Australasia. I feel that there is an opportunity for work and study and the weather matches that of my country.

I am not running away.  I am just not interested in fighting for a country whose politics I dislike.

 

(Written by me in 1976 to 1979)